Reasons The Doctor Is Superior To Edward Cullen
by The New Vampire
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. 100 reasons, to be exact. Written because I felt the need to write it and because it all needed to be said. T for overuse of the word "sexy"


100 Reasons The Doctor Is Superior To Edward Cullen (Nine and Ten)

Sparkles will get you killed in camo situations.

Edward is definitely not a Technical Pacifist.

Vampires can only go forward, slowly, in the fourth dimension.

Trench coat/leather jacket vs….nothing.

Ties. Need I say more?

Vampires can't eat bananas, now can they?

A vampire with an oral fixation causes acid burns. _Not_ sexy.

Edward ripped off sexy copper bedhead from the Doctor. Just saying.

It's not as sexy on Edward, either.

Running for your life is more fun when you can actually be hurt.

Blondes have more fun…(take that Bella!)

So do redheads.

And curly-haired brunettes. (Martha, I love you!)

Martha's a med student. Bella's a high school graduate. Comparison? I think not.

Gotta love that Judoon platoon upon the Moon. Volturi in a field doesn't have the same ring to it.

The Doctor has a British accent. Edward only pretends to.

Sonic screwdriver. And it's bigger than Edward's screwdriver anyway.

Doctor/Rose = a cry worthy love story. Edward/Bella = so many happy endings in makes me puke.

Breaking Dawn is just a glorified babyfic.

Can Edward talk technobabble at breakneck speeds? I thought not.

Suit and converse.

Geeky glasses.

Leather. Freaking. Jacket.

The Doctor doesn't have to constantly fight back the urge to eat his companions.

Well….at least I think not.

Has Edward ever been able to threaten to close down a bunch of drug sellers?

Can Edward do number 25 while being sexy as all get out?

Can Edward put a finger up to his mouth, shut up a bunch of people, talk, _with his finger still in front of his mouth_, and still look jump-able?

Can Edward make you burst out squeeing/laughing in French class because your classmates kept on saying allons-y?

Can Edward make you smile-cry whenever you hear the word fantastic?

Can Edward say "big ball of wibble-y wobble-y time-y wime-y…stuff", bite his lip at the fail, and look huggable?

Can Edward look huggable? Ever?

Vampires aren't supposed to have hairy chests. It's just weird.

The Doctor has a completely normal manly, hairy hand. With energy-sensitive hairs.

The Doctor—well, _Ten_ isn't suicidal…all the time…

And Nine at least has a reason to be depressed!

The Doctor is too sexy for his coat—so he takes it off on occasion.

Can Edward say that he's friends with an ex-time traveling conman who flirts with everything that moves? Unless there's something Jasper isn't telling us….

When was the last time Edward saved the Universe?

Heck, when was the last time Edward saved the planet?

Or even the country?

When was the last time Edward saved anything except his family?

What did Edward have to sacrifice?

Edward has a Volvo. The Doctor has a Police Box that can travel through time.

Police boxes are British. Volvos are Italian…or something.

Rose saved the Doctor and destroyed the Daleks, twice, then was separated, then returned, then was trapped on the other side of the void _again_.

Martha walked the world and helped overthrow the Master but had to stop adventuring through time and space because of a one-sided crush.

Donna saved the universe and can't even remember it without _dying_.

What did Bella do, growl a little?

Can Edward's Volvo change its desktop theme to coral? Didn't think so.

Can Edward's car rip through the vortex? Nope.

Has Edward ever had to make a choice between Bella and the world?

Edward does domestic, and look where it gets him.

The Doctor faced the "devil", survived, and gave it a good arse-whupping while he was at it.

Edward can't create invisible lifts.

The Doctor's been knighted, as has Rose. Edward and Bella are….well, NOTHING.

Nobody should be that pale.

The Doctor is tall and imposing, but still manages to be fun and hyper. Edward just looks like an idiot teenager.

Did Edward learn how to draw on another planet?

Edward has no nicknames. Listing the Doctor's would take forever.

The Doctor is feared by the most dangerous races in the galaxy. Edward is feared by his daughter, if that.

The Doctor has his name buried deep, thousands of aliases, etcetera. Edward is Edward Cullen. Not hard to track, this one.

Doctor/Queen Elizabeth I is canon. 'Nuff said.

The Doctor is friends with the Dark Lady of the Sonnets.

And Charles Dickens.

And has met the man who owns the internet.

And survived a Tyler slap.

Add the Duke of Manhattan, the Face of Boe, Harriet Jones PM, Lady Cassandra O'Brien.Δ.17…

Do I really have to finish that list?

There are Doctor/House fics. House would laugh Edward out of his clinic, PPTH, New Jersey, and the U.S.

The Doctor was never human.

The Doctor was born smart.

The Doctor can see the future.

…well, kinda

The Doctor caused Vesuvius to explode. And the Fire of Rome. And many other natural disasters. And unnatural ones.

Is Edward gonna be there when the world ends?

The Doctor is the inspiration for Holmes. Edward is the inspiration for pre-pubescent fantasies.

Ew…bad mental images.

Edward would look dead in a leather jacket.

Edward + short hair = bunch of fangirls screaming about "where did the sexy go!"

Assuming the sexy was ever there in the first place.

The Doctor isn't gay.

No seriously. Not gay.

Well…maybe for the Master.

But that was just experimenting back in Academy days.

So he's not gay.

If Edward traveled in time, he'd probably eat Shakespeare.

A "genetic transfer" with Edward would cause frostbitten lips.

I sincerely doubt that Edward knows the coordinates to send Carrionites back to their prison.

Wait, he's a vampire. Wouldn't he _like_ the Empire of Blood and Flame?

But not the Empire of the Wolf. So one out of like 5,000,000.

Sigh.

This list is getting really long.

Has Edward ever replaced a weapons factory with a banana grove?

If Edward tied a tie around his head, it'd look like he tried to hang himself and missed.

Which he's probably dumb enough to do, in one of his emo modes.

Has Edward ever been to a parallel universe?

Much less saved it from Cybermen.

Can Edward change his face?

Um, hi. It's THE DOCTOR. And EDWARD CULLEN. HOW STUPID ARE YOU IF YOU NEEDED THIS LIST TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND IN THE FIRST PLACE!


End file.
